omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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