i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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