dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
