: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
