Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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