I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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