I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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