Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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