so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
