dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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