I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im six kinds of drunk right now
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
