She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
