my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
