You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
