Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize