did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
