i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
