counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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