You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Randomize
