he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize