we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
