hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
