just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
