I think I died a long time ago.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize