smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
