Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
