Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize