The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
