At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
