I think i peed on brittanys purse
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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