at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
