he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
