We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
