so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
