Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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