note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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