my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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