I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
