Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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