and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize