I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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