If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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