Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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