my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
