im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
