So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I enjoy the company of your penis
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
