I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
why is half of my head shaved?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
