Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
