im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize