It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
