fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
