why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
