I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
