I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
