My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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