Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Duck Duck Cougar?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
