So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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