i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
