I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize