Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
