life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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